It is interesting for me to think about my role and calling. I want to ensure I am being the man God wants me to be and to be about His work. Please understand as noble as this sounds it is not a constant preoccupation, but perhaps it should be?

Today a member of my staff was asking me why I they did not see me operate very often in a specific role. Their view was that I was gifted in it and it was strange I did so little in this area. As they were sharing their thinking with me I was not just flattered but challenged. If this was true was I squandering a gift?

(I am aware that I am being vague but I am not ready to share the specific area because I am not sure whether I should do more in this area and the purpose of this blog is not to garner opinions, support or advice on this. Rather it is to consider the challenge of arriving at a decision and/or conclusion)

The area under discussion was not something I had not thought about myself. Rather I was and am confused about it. So why is it rarely in evidence?

There are a few possibilities:

1) Lack of confidence  Perhaps I can do this thing to a certain extent, but deep down I wonder, am I any good at it. What if I think I have ability and I am deluded?

2) Lack of Opportunity  Maybe I know I can do it but there is little opportunity for me to exercise this gift

3) Lack of Time Whether there is a real lack of time or others assume I am too busy so they never ask me to operate in this area of my gifting. Of course there are only so many hours in a day so if I begin to do some things more I need to do other things less.

My colleague suggested I should make it known that I am willing and able to offer my services. This then brings another dilemma. Do I want to be my own advocate? What if I offer and am rejected?

There is another thing to consider. Even if you can do something, it does not necessarily mean you should. There has to be priorities. I am aware that there are things  that even though I could have done them in the past I did not because others adequately fulfilled the function. Rather than feeling I wasted my gift, I used others I had that were in short supply on the team. As the group dynamic changed, so did my role.

Ultimately, questions like this have to be laid before the father. Does He want me to use this particular part of my ability for His work or is it simply vanity? So prayer, reflection, being in the word, conversation with people I trust will ultimately reveal what He would have me do. In the end that is all that matters, His will, not mine. That is because the father knows what's best and true calling is to operate in that place.

However, until He gives me direction there is that uncertainty that is so unwelcome to a control freak like me!

Confused? You should try living in my head!